The Irish are funny people. They love to tell funny stories and jokes. And the Irish humour is truly unique. To prove that, we’ve browsed the web to find some funny Irish jokes – just for you! We hope they will lighten up your day….
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They’ve got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick “Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I’ll stay out here and look out for the police”. Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he’s doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.”What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!” to which Mick replies “I can’t find a number 7 anywhere Paddy”.Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts “You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we’ll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!”.
Things that only the logical Irish can say:
- ‘You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!’
- ‘How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never engaged?’
- ‘Spread out in a bunch. ‘
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….” The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
The Doctor was puzzled “I’m very sorry but I can’t diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. “”Don’t worry about it Dr. Kelley, I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
“Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?””No, Nora, but I’m getting closer all the time !”
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk !!
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, “What’s your name and address?””I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.”The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question.”I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers: ‘We’re going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we’ll hire.’ Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers. ‘Well,’ said he, ‘you’ve both got nine out often, but I’m giving Mick the job.’ ‘Why’s that?’ asked Pat. ‘Well,’ said the manager, ‘you both got the same question wrong but he had’I don’t know this’ and you had ‘Neither do I!’.
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:”Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”Debra replied, “Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.”
…and finally some funny toasts:
- May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
- Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!